The extent to which learners can study better by themselves than with a teacher is in itself a very complex issue, since there is an immense amount (‘immense’ is an adjective) of new study methods and channels were introduced. Students or researchers now can be easy to easily acquire knowledge by surfing the Internet or reading on in the library. Nevertheless, in my opinion, the vital role of teachers cannot be substituted and it is still a better approach for learning with a teacher.
 
 Self-studying brings people galore (‘galore’ is rather informal) many tangible benefits concerning flexible time and specific individual needs. Learners concur with self-study always advocate it for reason of flexible time which is in its their favor. They can study whenever they are interested in so that knowledge absorb abilities the ability to absorb knowledge can remain high all the time. Moreover, self-study helping helps some students to progress in their studies quicker more quickly than when compared with an original classroom. For example, in the class, teachers need to allocate time for a large number of different students with different intellectual capacities students, which may cause to be tied to a slow advance in their study. In this way, learners could progress in their acquisition of knowledge at their own pace instead of learning from teacher.

 However, the presence of a teacher is essential for students because the human contact communicating with teacher will help students influences them in positive approaches ways. Firstly, teachers acknowledge some student’s deficiencies and help them to solve their problems by intensive explanation or extra exercises. Secondly, immense and reliable reference resources are suggested by teachers will help students save time of searching and avoiding un-authorized sources. Furthermore, in some cases, students do not have enough of self-study skills, which may lead to waste time time wasting and un-effective ineffective researches. Definitely, self-study students cannot have those supports listed above.

 To draw a conclusion, the role for of teachers in learning process is crucial and can should not be replaced by anything any other methods. Students need to have adequate seft-study skills for improving results but they always need a teacher for guiding and supporting.
 
Task Achievement: In my opinion, your ideals are good but you may separate the paragraph which supports the presence of teachers in learning process into two paragraphs. In each paragraph, you should find more ideas to support your opinion. I think that in this essay, the part talking about self-study gain much attention.
I have learned two ways to organize an essay like yours. Please take a look. Perhaps you may find it useful.
1/ Structure 1:
Para. 1: Introduction
Para. 2: Weakest argument that support your opinion
Para. 3: Stronger argument that support your opinion
Para. 4: Strongest argument that support your opinion
Para. 5: Counterargument and refutation
Para. 6: Conclusion
2/ Structure 2:
Para. 1: Introduction
Para. 2: Counterargument and refutation
Para. 3 + 4 + 5: Arguments that support your opinion, arranged from least important to most important point or vice versa
Para. 6: Conclusion
Coherence and Cohesion: Good
Lexical Resource: Make some mistakes such as “un-effective”
Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Make several mistakes.
 

Topic: There's a big gap between parents and children even in modern life. What suggestions could be given to bring them close together?


            At any given time, the role of family is extremely important, and the development of modern life can cause the generation gap between parents and children which is becoming more and more pointed and pronounced with each passing day. Some solutions will be suggested in this essay.

            In the first place, adolescents should heart-to-heart chat to their parents about feelings, schools and etc. These complexities comprehended more better can be the most helpful instrument in bridging the generation gap.

           Furthermore, it is not only the responsibility of the younger but also of the elders to fill the gap with love, affection and trust. In particular, children should be interested carefully, listened to feelings and putted forth the different viewpoints; as a consequence, their parents understand them more straightforward.

           A predominant solution should be ignored here is that both parents and offspring should spend time together such as family outings, vacations, tours, to picnic-outings etc. In other words, if families can learn to sit over dinner and talk or sit in the living rooms over a cup of hot comforting coffee and talk the things out, ironing the difference and sharing the experiences. When this communication barrier is transcended and the ice broken, it seems to be effective ways to initiate intimacy between parents and children.

           In conclusion, it would be seemed that their only fault is viewing the same object from opposite directions. Hence, both elder and younger generation should try step-by-step to reduce friction between two generations.
Total: 253

Thanks for your helping.
I know some same structures and vocabularies at the same positions in your "space research" essay.  Because my grammar is not good, I usually use some structure which I perhaps understand it to avoid making many mistakes. After reading your comment, I realize that my ideas are not clear and logic, so I will fix it.
In paragraph 3, I want to expose that “People traveling abroad can widen their knowledge of other cultures, but will all of them replace their national culture with the various foreign ones” , but my expression may be not clear enough. Thanks for your suggesting ^^

First, I can point out some familiar vocab and structures you used at the same positions in your "space research" essay such as: firmly concur, One prominent reason (+that/ which) should not be overlooked, one argument.

The 1st body para is a bit difficult to follow. I don't see the obvious link between entrepreneurs' business development and the contribution to national economy in the example thereafter.

The 3rd one, I think, is not clear enough. The reason for the latter viewpoint seems to be only negative effect on countries' identity. However, supporting ideas tend to dig deep in the integration rather than international tourism. Moreover, it sounds opposite to the 2nd body para. People traveling abroad can widen their knowledge of other cultures, but will all of them replace their national culture with the various foreign ones? Besides, what do you mean by mentioning "western culture" here? You should explain more clearly why western culture does harm to the countries.
In my opinion, you should exploit the side that oversea traveling contributes to the economy of the countries people visit, not their own nation.

-Mình đọc thì biết thôi chứ từ điển chỉ hỗ trợ 1 phần nhỏ nói chung "concur" có sắc thái rất formal nên mình không nghĩ rằng cần dùng từ như thế trong 1 bài essay ngắn.
-Từ "sober" không có trạng từ đâu bạn ạ, nếu không chắc về cách sử dụng 1 từ thì có thể google